!!Mature/upsetting content included. Reader discretion is advised!!

#19: A Tree Leans, it Falls. A Tree Leans, it Falls. A Tree Leans,

May 26th, 2025*

Are people doing shittier things or am I getting angrier? Are people getting pickier or am I getting meaner? Too much goes bad and not enough stays good. What am I supposed to do? My best? When will my best be sustainable? I can barely take care of myself at my best. I can barely maintain my bonds at my best.

I can't keep watching these things happen. The tree I've tied myself to is thin and sways in the wind. The tree is blind to the weight its flimsiness has on the world it claims to love. In my world, the creaking and rustling ambience of the tree is parallel to law. I want to leave, but I have nowhere to go. It knows I am loyal, sitting at its stump and suffocating in its sweet perfume. Shade me again, I'm still yours.


Quote of the Day: " She makes anguished, animal noises as she eats. Not animal because they’re too savage to be human; animal because they are emotional and vulnerable, as animals are. " - Bones and All Screenplay Shooting Script, David Kajganich

*written early afternoon

#19: Billionaires Aren't the Only Lizard People

May 13th, 2025

I believe I have developed a lack of determination. I don’t care to work hard, I can’t stand not working at all. I have no motivation to be somewhere that I’m not. Where will this get me? Maybe I have to reach my worst first.
I want to do what makes me happy.
I don’t know much about what it means to live your life the right way, but I think loyalty is part of it. If I try to do anything, I try to be loyal. And you, you without loyalty, you are miserable. I don’t know enough about the world to know whether you will always carry this deficiency. We all evolve. Change is part of our existence, but not only do we grow, we shed. We shed like reptiles. Shed a skin of time and memories like clockwork, like fate. I wish I didn’t shed. I don’t want to lose time and time again. I don’t want to leave anything, anyone behind. I can’t handle change, and I am tired of that which I love flaking away like dead skin. Regardless of whether it is because I pick and peel, or because my shell finds its own time to drift away as dust, I can not stop shedding.
There are some things I wouldn’t miss, stubborn things, scars. How long it takes scar tissue to shed. An unbearable brand embedded upon me that I cannot help but stare at. With the flicker of a tongue and a sideways blink, let me forget. Scars are not supposed to be sore.



Quote of the Day: " You will eat less than you desire and more than you deserve. " - The Menu

p.s. i am mildly on a hiatus and shall remain so indefinitely

#18: The Feeling: Bloodeater

March 17th, 2025

I can't act upon this disgust? This disappointment? This devastation?
Blood is such a bitter drink, but isn't it so refreshing? To choke down blasphemy for the sake of the act itself.
A treat in view but not in reach
A vice upon my eyes but not in my hands
If eyes could taste, I would savor the flavor
Greed for something I have never had nor heard
What I would do to touch. forbidden dessert
Simple thoughts floating through my eyes and into my softened mind. How rewarding it would feel
I may not be able to taste it, but how I will watch, dissolving, devouring

Throw me a ball and maybe I'll catch it
Offer a treat and oh I will take it
Take me outside and how I will frolic
Offer a heart and oh I will take it
Kick me and how I will bite

Quote of the Day: " I swear to you, if I had not heard his voice, I would not have recognized him " - T. Kingfisher, What Moves the Dead

#17: The Feeling

March 6th, 2025

play a song i used to love and let the first notes sink into my skin like a lip gloss i used in school days past. memory strikes like citrus fruits sting.
watch people perpetually but always fail to understand them.

the need.
to push a knife through flesh and bone
to bite a chunk out of a body
for silence
for a deafeaning, everlasting hum
overwhelming energy percolating beneath the skin begging to be harnessed
take this feeling from my veins
let it land with a blow
let it rush through a blade
peel away layers of the body until there is no host left to hold it
free it
let it leak out of my skin
dissipate with my words
liquify and replace it

Quote of the Day: " Thanks for the update! " - The last text i recieved from someone who would be very disappointed in you.

#16: Not a Letter, Nor a Note

Feb 9, 2025

The difference between letters and notes is that letters are long, and notes are short. Letters are for a specified audience. Notes don't have to be. But what does it matter? I cannot write a letter. Not a last letter, anyway. I would say I cannot write a last note, but I have. Over the years of letterworthy bouts of melancholy rumination I find myself in, I have written one note, if it can be called that. It reads as follows:
"oops?
i should be fine, but just in case:
this wasn't on purpose.
i love everyone
i am not putting effort into this note
because i very much doubt i will die from this"

So I can't write a note. Why not a letter? Letters are long. Given that parameter, I'd have too much to say, and if I wrote one letter I'd have to write many. For the deserving.
All of that said, I won't yet have the kind of last scenario that warrants a note. If I were to, it'd have happened by now. I will stay, and make a stubborn home atop the stubborn balusters of this stubborn fence upon which I balance so unendingly, suprisingly, steadily. I will remain a gentle breathing, a muffled heartbeat, of a life. Not to say my life is quiet, but to say it trembles.

Nostalgia for times all too recent. Nightmares all too terrifying. I believe this stems from my fear. I am scared.
I can make amends with my enemies, reach out to old friends, revive old habits. But something will still be missing. As much of the past I try to snatch up, I cannot bring them back. With their exit, I have molted. I think my ability to be myself has increased as they decreased. The bittersweet sorrow of nostalgia stings like nothing else.

Quote of the Day: " I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am. " - Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

#15: I Guess

Jan 13, 2025

For eight million years, (note - the latest volcanic activity in this area was seven million years ago) a ruffled white flower known as the Saint Helena ebony has thrived on the unique island of Saint Helena. Saint Helena ebonies are endemic to this island, meaning they are native to there and only there.
Believed to be extinct for more than a hundred years due to overgrazing, the last two Saint Helena ebony plants were discovered in 1980 on a cliff face. A local guide, George Benjamin, retrieved cuttings from one of these empiternal flowers, which were then used to repopulate the island with the flowers and save them from extinction - though the two on the cliff remain the only wild specimens.
Mom. Here. Dad thrifted it for you.
Don't say anything. Don't look at me like that.
I think there is a bounty of metaphorical opportunities that come with the orphic story of the Saint Helena ebony. What I see in this story, though, is Trochetiopsis melanoxylon , a very close relative of our flower, Trochetiopsis ebenus . The stark difference between the two? T. melanoxylon is extinct. It shares in the ancient endurance of T. ebenus , but was lost entirely to overgrazing. Withered and lost to time by fateful chance.
If only my parents held tight to the cliffside like those swirling mellifluous flowers. I wish they did not resemble the quiet, tristful roots of flora past.

Quote of the Day: " And then I wondered if as soon as he came to like me he would sink into ordinariness, and if as soon as he came to love me I would find fault after fault, the way I did with Buddy Willard and the boys before him. " - Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

#13: Diane

Dec 5, 2024

What are you supposed to feel when your dad emails you a christmas list?
A christmas list. because he knows you don't understand him well enough to pick a gift yourself
with a wallet and shirts on it, because he's too busy working to allow himself nice things
with replacements for the things mom took when she moved

i have no idea.

what do you do when you find out your dad is on Hinge? what do you do when your mom starts calling guys cute? what do you do when your dad is clearly going on dates? what do you do when your mom displays an evident disdain for your father every time you bring him up? what do you do when she won't even let him come pick you up and drive you to your drum lesson when she's busy? what do you do when you are supposed to go on a walk with your dad every weekend, but now every other weekend is spent at your mom's house? what do you do when you don't know how to feel about your father, and can only summon a bottomless pit of sympathy and helplessness at the thought of him? it's only been a week. i see him tomorrow. but i really miss my dad.

not pregnant btw
Quote of the day:
" Maybe he'd open his mouth and nothing would be inside but willow branches, and the leaves would spill out like flat green words. " - The Hollow Places, T. Kingfisher

#12: Renaissance

Nov 25, 2024

I woke up this morning feeling incredibly irritable.
I've been sad again. sad like i have not been in a good while.
I can't remember my last period. It's always been irregular - it could just be hella late for no reason. but I'm so scared.
another boy who thinks he is the most caring person in the world, who believes he will protect and love me like nobody else could. but not enough to never fuck me raw.
my dad is on hinge. i'm gonna blow my brains out.
a box cutter probably couldn't slice through my skull
could a box cutter slice into my neck and bleed me out? if it was sharp enough. i would not have the strength to follow through if it was dull.
How dare someone ever reach into my flesh and feel disgust when they strike blood.
unfortunately, an open book's pages are prone to weathering.

sleep allegory
if you laid down together and decided to take a lovely
long
nap
pulled up the sheets together
counted sheep together
dreamt a dream of dining in two little seats together
how could either of you ever wake up?

Quote of the day:
" Protect me from what I want " - Jenny Holzer

#11: Freedom

Hey, Nov 13, 2024

Well.
I think I'll go over things chronologically here. Today is a Wednesday. On Monday, I went on an amazing hike with my boyfriend. it was very fun, very sweet. we sat in the sun. we got siiilllyyyy ;D
On that date, he told me something he heard last week: my ex still talks about me. In the moment, it didn't make me feel anything but an ego boost. But i couldn't stop thinking about it. my life has been filled with so much resentment, my emotions tied up in a knot for months. I hated him, I hated my friends that chose him, I hated. Not only that though; I have also been drowning in guilt. I can't stand being in the wrong, i can't stand having made mistakes. the feeling of being a bad person lodged itself in my throat and made a home there. I still cry, i still think, i still talk about everything that has happened that had to do with him. so on tuesday, i thought i'd take a chance and apologize... and he forgave me. 8~ months of not feeling like myself, with him tacked up on every wall of my mind, and he forgave me. without a second thought. we caught up for two hours; life, family, friends, even the divorce. i have never felt more free. i'm so happy i could cry. i'm so glad i realized this was how i needed to let go. what i needed to hear. i was shackled, dragging around a ball and chain. i begged time, i begged friends, i begged to be freed, blind to the key i grasped tightly in my hand. i don't know what will come of this; maybe everything will stay the same. only time will tell.

Quote of the day:
" I will see your body bare
And still I will live here
So stay with me
Hold my hand
There's no need
To be brave "
- Mitski, I Will

#10: Headache

Hello, Nov 6, 2024

There are two wolves inside you and one of them is batshit crazy.
I don't want to be a bad person. I don't like that so much of me is learned from my parents; I don't want to love the way they do.
I think there might be layers of me that are not meant for me to tear open and explore. i peel at them and it hurts. the pain festers. they bleed and scab. prying my flesh apart does not yield answers, only questions. but i feel as though i have no choice but to dig deeper. if not within me, where are my solutions? if my body oozes only metaphor, how might i find the unjumbled truth?
I wish morality and humanity were black and white. if only we were provided with rules by god. reasoning, truth. what to do, why to do. that way, anything i do wrong can be dissected and i can smooth out my mistakes. If someone wrongs me by god's rules, i can tear into them and their reputation with my teeth. i want to feel completely right and secure.

#9: BLOGGIN

Hey!, Nov 3, 2024

This post marks my first post uploaded only to neocities instead of blogger! all posts from this one forward will be made only on neocities, and I am kissin blogger goodbye.
I've been pretty good. my friend group is undergoing some transformations; some new additions kinda, and one person leaving. I feel bad for them and I hope they find good friends better suited for them - they didn't really mesh with the friend group.
my boy and i are doing well - we're very secure in our relationship and i luuuvuvvvvvvvv himmmmm :)
I used my good ol detective skills and found out my mom was househunting. she's found a place now and is moving in next week; my brothers and i will be swapping off from house to house, don't know the situation yet though. I'm glad my mom will be happy but it's bittersweet. I'm excited and all, but of course i wish this wasn't the case. The new house is close to one of my best friends and my boyfriend though.

Quote of the day: " Ro would like to be breezy, but she seems to swing between periods of dedicated, obsessive effort and slothlike, stubborn inertia. ” ― Delilah S. Dawson, Bloom

#8: The Blog Post of All Time

Hiiiiiiiiiii, Oct 21, 2024

So.

• Hurricane Helene fucked up my town
• I just got internet back a couple days ago
• I LOOOOOOOOOVE my man
• My best friend got broken up with SPONTANEOUSLY by her boyfriend of A YEAR AND A HALF?
• Went to Colorado and New Orleans :)

I had so much fun on my vacay!! texted my boyfriend the whole time lol. Our first month mark was yesterday and we went on a hike! He was being super sweet so i cried because he's so nice (can you tell i'm on my period). he was all overrr me and it was the most magical day ever. i loved sitting in the sun with him. ALSO. THE THINGS HE SAAAAIIIID?? that boy is a capital M Munch!!!!! I'm cummin just thinking about it. he said he looooves meeee :))))))
I feel terrible for my girl because she is going THROUGH IT this is her first real breakup and she's dying. I feel so bad, those two were literally my parents. her boyfriend is one of my best friends too; i'm glad they're on good terms at least?
Baiiiii

Quote of the day: " Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours. " - Clementine Kruczynski, Eternal sunshine of the Spotless Mind

#7: FUCK!

Hello! mini post, Sep 25, 2024

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH. My man said some CRAZY shit today. He would prefer if i?? wasn't??? bisexual??? like oh mb! i'll stop! we talked about it though and we good for now. I should've held out for a girlfriend (jk).
Rain super super bad so I'll be home for 4 days :P
but fr though he needs to get his act together
- insulted my nails TWICE
- Stupid
- hater
bye

#6: We're So Back

hey!, Sep 24, 2024

sorry for the lack of updates. I'm trying to build a new website and relocate my blog. That'll be a while in the making though, so i decided to keep uploading here. What's happened since my last post? I'm glad you asked! Here's everything in order:

• My parents told me they're getting divorced (WITH A SLIDESHOW.)
• was high for like 3 days straight
• saw my ex at a football game
• i started talking to someone
• went to hoco together
• we kissin a little and he walks me to classes W!!!!!!

lowk i was pissed about the thing with my parents but they haven't changed much yet. apparently they decided in june????? my dad started sleeping in our RV instead of the house though :/ at least they're staying friends?
i'm going to try to squash the beef with my ex best friend sometime soon. done ignoring her. i don't want to be her friend tho. just not hate her
i watched But I'm a Cheerleader. 8/10. also i'm watching boondocks
Quote today: " the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence ” Love u bye

#5: New Beginnings Bro!!

Hey :), Aug 31, 2024

I'm doing better. I have a new coworker! Two apparently, but I've only met one so far. He's super fun, I think he's a great fit. He gets shit dooooone too. Apparently this dude from my school works at the weed store across the street from my work, because I saw him behind the counter yesterday and we talked a bit lol. he sat behind me in chem for a semester. He's cute - also the weed store employee that I think is fineee was there! He's scrumdiddlyumptious. Anyway, I was buying edibles for me and my pals as we were having a sleepover that night. I had a lot of fun! Someone got a haircut, and i brought them all candy. they told me they had really nice highs and I'm so happy i did them right!! I love my friends sooo much. I wish i got weed for myself though. A whole 3 day weekend with no weed :( but i'll get some tmr idk what i'm complaining about.
I got a lot of homework done just now by listening to rain noises and putting a video of sea animals on my computer. i felt so motivated. who knew?
My classmate looks like Ryan Reynolds and Jake Gyllenhaal. He's cute and he dresses nice but he's a bit too clean and perf for me i think. My anatomy teacher is the best and gorgeous!!!!!!! We're eventually gonna dissect cats though.
No One Noticed by The Marias >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>!!!!!!!!
I'm so gay.

Quote today: " I'll love you 'till the day that I die! " - (I can't believe i'm saying this) Billie Eilish

#4: Mamma Mia

Heyyyy, Aug 28, 2024

I'm fucking depressed again this is sooo stupid. What am I even on prozac for if I still want to kill myself? I think it's because I stopped taking birth control so I'm on my period. also i'm breaking out
I finished Class of 09: The Re-up today! The secret video message freaked me out. and I made some Poison Ivy buttons for my backpack. I feel like doing literally nothing omfg. I haven't done my homework yet but I will later. I watched love island and went to walmart but otherwise i'm just rotting. I had a psl the other day though, i love fall.
I NEEEED TO BE INTOXICATED. I MISS EDIBLES I NEED ALCOHOL

Quote today: " I'd rather play dead at a necrophilia convention, "

#3: Suffering

UUUUUGH, Aug 27, 2024

I am so sick of fake ass bitches. FAKE ASS BITCHES. FAKE ASS BITCHESSSSSS.!!!!!!!! I'm SICK! OF! THEM! Where do they come from??? RAUUUGGHHHH. Girls don't want liars. Girls want takis, ben & jerry's, and girlfriends. FUUUUUCKK Y'ALL. (Not y'all. I mean liars.) I'm literally just a baby why don't we all just recognize that we are making mistakes and learning and communicate and do the right things. If that was the case I'd be so super forgiving, but these people keep making the same bitchass choices so I am not.
I looked through my old best friend's Spotify today. She stopped talking to me months ago, and instead she's friends with my ex. She said if I ever broke up with him she'd stick with me but here we are! It's all good though, I realized she's not all that anyway. She's a little crazy. Anyway, I looked at her playlists and she's sad. Not to be a bitch hater, but she started it, so whatever: DESERVED! FUCKING DESERVED! She's got a fat case of only child syndrome where she gets what she wants and emotionally abuses her boyfriend and cries every day. She'll be just like her horrible mother. So be fucking sad! Listen to Radiohead and Mitski and CRY. Because you know who you are, you know what you did, and you know you will never be a good, complete person. You will hurt people.
First week back in school after the summer. Now I have to see her and her boyfriend and my ex's friends. They KNOW. THEY KNOW HE HURT ME AND THEY CHOSE HIM! THEY DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HIM BEFORE ME! THEY KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AND THEY STAY WITH HIM BECAUSE THEY ARE SELFISH. what is moral may not be what you want to do, but you should still do it. he'll survive without y'all. is he so much more important than my feelings?
I love Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy,
shoutout to real ones

Quote today: " You think you just fell out of a coconut tree? You exist in the context of all in which you live and what came before you "
I love you. it's gonna be okay fr

#2: Rodrick

Aug 24, 2024

Hello!!
I think my brother could look exactly like Rodrick Heffley... if he cared about his appearance. Like literally just add hair gel and guyliner.
Pretty girls don't owe people a personality. No one gets upset when ugly girls are dry! Let me be boring!!!!
My best friend posted a selfie with my ex today?? I have decided I will plant bombs in both of their stomachs.
A THIRD CLASS OF 09 GAME IS COMING???? AND I HAVEN'T EVEN FINISHED THE RE-UP!1!!!
I think I'm like Ramona Flowers, Alice from Twilight, and manic pixie dream girls in general. And every Bojack Horseman character.
I think summer made me gayer
I hate everyone pretty much
I need my parents to go back to normal. They've been awfully distant from each other for months now. I need my best friend to stop being flaky.

Quote today: “ 'Sometimes I don't get you,' I said. She didn't even glance at me. She just smiled toward the television and said, 'You never get me. That's the whole point.' ” - Looking for Alaska
LOVE YOURSELF!!!

#1: Intro

First blog post!!!!, Aug 23, 2024

❤✬❀ I'm starting a blog because I have a lot of thoughts to share, but no other platform I'd like to share them on. No way am I using X or Threads; that's lame. I love pink, the internet, and girls :) I am lazy and my brain is rotted through, but at least I'm a real one.
FUCK LOVE ISLAND USA S6 CASA AMOR!
ALWAYS REMEMBER to eat down, take pride in your interests, and be your own beautiful self
I love poison ivy
brat summer isn't over and is in fact just getting started
I think I'm going to open an animal shelter when I grow up and I'm gonna put cute murals on the walls and it'll be like high-end but for animals and super humane
✩✭✮✭✮✭✮✭✮✭✮✭✮✭✮✭✮✭✩

Quote Today: " This is the skin of a killer, Bella. ”